I Called My Daughter Stupid
Really? Really. But probably not in the way that you think.
On the nights I see clients, my 3 kids tend to swarm me with "urgent" requests and questions right when I walk in the door, and I deliver what feels like constant gentle reminders that "I need to eat dinner," "I haven't eaten dinner yet," and "I need to talk about this after I've eaten."
Tuesday's urgent request was that, "We NEED to order flannel pants for a slumber party this weekend!" Super urgent and important.
On this particular Spring night, my Sophomore in High School screamed from her room, "MAAAAAMMMMMM!!!" I yelled, "WHAT!?" She replied with something inaudible, and I frustratedly yelled back with a mouthful of spaghetti, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME, COME HERE!!!" She yelled something I couldn't make out again, and I yelled, "I'M EATING DINNNNNNEEERRRRRR!!!!!!"
A not-so-gentle reminder.
Because she's funny, and irritating me is her love language, she loudly yodeled something unintelligible back.
After finishing my spaghetti, I flung her door open with a dirty bowl in hand, "WHAT?!" She smirked at me from her bed, room a total teenage disaster, and then side-eyed her new large piece of furniture sitting amidst and on top of floor clothes. She had lugged the piano keyboard and stand up from the basement and decided her newest obsession would be learning to play The Muppet Show Theme Song.
Okeedokee. I resisted the urge to judgmentally ask, “Is your homework done???”
She needed help connecting our old iPad and piano-teaching app to the keyboard. The cord was in between, but they still weren't communicating with each other. Filled with frustration and disbelief that THIS was the 8something PM urgent matter du jour, I snagged the iPad out of her hands, clicked settings, and toggled one flat button over to the left. It worked.
I showed her the iPad and said, "I literally had to toggle ONE THING. YOU ARE ALMOST 16!! YOU SHOULD BE BETTER AT TECHNOLOGY THAN I AM!"
A smile slowly spread across her face, "I hear you calling me stupid." She loves, I mean LOVES to catch me in my not-so-great communication moments.
Did I say the words, "You're stupid,"? No. Did I nonverbally communicate that she was stupid and SHOULD have been able to figure this out? Yep. I should all over her.
With a mixture of pride (so proud of this communication skill), irritation, gritted teeth, and whatever you feel when you've just been busted I said, "Yeess. Yes, I did…and that wasn't OK." To which she replied, "Maybe you should see a communication expert about that."
I responded in the only logical way possible; I tickled her to her bed. I apologized and told her I was frustrated with what seemed like impatience and not feeling seen (literally and figuratively) and that I was hangry, but those things didn't warrant acting out on her. I knew better and what to do better.
WHAT IF….she had, instead of addressing the perceived NONVERBAL criticism with a side dish of humor, reacted to it with all of her teenage angstiness??? That interaction could have EASILY ended with elevated voices and slammed doors and not increased emotional intimacy, play, and laughs.
I have NEVER sat her down and taught her how to do this like I do my clients and online course students. She has just learned through modeling; everyone in my house has. It's not THAT hard to implement…if you can get through (mostly around) your habitual patterns of interaction and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT when you have the urge to respond negatively or shut-down.
The 2 biggest sources of miscommunication and misperception that no one is talking about are NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION and PERCEIVED INTENT. These are often implied and under the surface, but we often believe them more than the WORDS people are saying.
If I would have retorted, "I DID NOT call you stupid," in the interaction with my daughter, 1. she would have not believed my words, and 2. we could have gone back and forth in a "yes you did," "no I didn't" go-nowhere, likely escalating argument for lord knows how long.
I am certain this one skill has saved our family an unimaginable amount of hours stuck in relationally-damaging conflict that goes nowhere.
In Week One of the How to Fight Workshop, there's a 30-minute video training that illuminates how not knowing how to address nonverbal communication and perceived intent is 100% getting in the way of your closest relationships….and what to do instead. AND there's so much more…including easy-to-implement homework to keep this top-of-mind throughout the week and help you easily create new habits.
The new Week One is available NOW and it's only taken me 18 years of working deeply with clients and couples to create.
If the almost-16-year-old can have better relationships, you can too.
P.S. Did you know the Gottman Institute has been studying what makes relationships succeed or fail for over 50 years and their research tells us the #1 skill for long-lasting relationships is LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT? Using this skill is CONTAGIOUS. I have never sat my family down and taught them this stuff, they just learn by interacting with me. Learning this skill isn't just important for marriages, I use these skills, tools, and mindsets EVERYWHERE. Join us in the training; I promise you won't regret it - I'm so confident there's even a money back guarantee.
