I've worked with many couples navigating their relationship post-affair and I've recognized a surprising and super-common pattern I didn't expect.

Of course, this is such a difficult and sensitive time for all involved; a time of grieving and betrayal filled with waves of anger, deep wells of sadness, panic-like anxiety, and terror that one might lose his or her partner and family, all juxtaposed with periodic intense feelings of love and desire.

You may have picked which partner you think I'm talking about, the cheater or the cheatee? What's interesting is that if both partners want the relationship to work they're both confused by the barrage of feelings they're now riding like an untamed bull.

"Am I going to feel this way forever?"

It's obvious that affairs are about dishonesty and disrespect from one person to another. But what's obvious has never interested me much. Most couples who end up in my office are both interested in the relationship working and confused about how their marriage has gotten this far off-track.

People who love their spouses AND have affairs, to a degree, may have given up and lost hope in their current relationship or themself. It hurts terribly that they're not getting results. They've tried everything they know to make their relationship better and now are gravitating towards (unconsciously, a lot of times) what makes them feel better...enter the inappropriate relationship that no one planned on or fully understands.

The Unexpected Thing These Relationships Have in Common:

To me, affairs are a symptom, and it's the "of what" I'm always trying to figure out. Every couple I've worked with has very different disagreement styles pre-affair: highly conflictual, sort of conflictual, or not conflictual at all. I've noticed among these couples that the common cancer of the relationship is that one or both people are dishonest about how they feel for the sake of the short-term improvement of the relationship.

Each person seems to have his or her own words for this tendency, and whether he's "sweeping it under the rug," "sucking it up," "swallowing it,” or "just dealing with it" over the long run this can be highly detrimental to the relationship.

One client last week said, "I figured if I was the only one hurting, I could just deal with it." What ends as an affair seems to start out as a repetitive behavior with quite honorable, yet misinformed, intentions. In my experience, most cheaters I've seen tend to be the person who holds in and holds back the most and is taking responsibility for the other person’s happiness in a way that gets in the way of their own.

I call what happens after repeated bouts of holding things in the tea kettle effect. People can only take so much pressure before they blow. Like a volcano, they lie seemingly dormant for a period of time until it all comes flying out in a way that's disadvantageous for the relationship, and the person comes to the conclusion that "talking about it doesn't work either."

But it's not talking about issues that doesn't work; it's the subtle nuances in HOW one talks about issues that can make all the difference in the results of the conversation, and most people are hugely unskilled at having difficult dialogues. I know this because I was REALLY bad at it not that long ago; I've done it both ways.

What starts out as a way to make better or pacify a relationship in the here and now turns into a festering tumor that can kill the future. This can look totally different across relationships, but the underlying theme is the same. Maybe one partner is more judgmental, "always right," and easy to yell. To avoid outbursts and passionate disagreements, the other person might "suck up" how they feel or what they want.

Maybe you are quite pleased with the "really important" aspects of your relationship (your husband provides for the family, is involved with the kids, etc.), and you don't feel like you should "nag" about the little stuff. Or maybe these beliefs that what you want and need and how you feel aren't important or "right" came from your past? things you saw in your family of origin (i.e., I don't want to be a nag like my mom)?

I know that many people are prone to avoiding confrontation. In my family, I learned that if you had concerns, you either swept them under the rug or you yelled. I didn't like yelling much, and I identified it with "bad people," so I quickly became adept at disrespecting, disregarding, and dishonoring myself for the sake of being a “good person” and being liked. But the more I held things in….the more I was prone to blow with big feelings and defensiveness.

This is one of the hardest things I've had to overcome, and it took years of practice. My goal is to deal with "off" feelings the nano-second they happen in a way that works for everyone. I know the awfulness that comes with an elephant under a rug in a close relationship and that a tough conversation + some skills and emotional awareness in the present can prevent future disasters.

While both people in a relationship may avoid their own feelings for the sake of the relationship now, there's usually one person who does it more to avoid perceived criticism and big feelings. It doesn't matter which role you play it's still your job to make sure that under that relationship rug is CLEAN.

My husband has a bigger tendency to hold things in. For him, I think it's sort of unconscious; like he doesn't believe that what's bothering him is "enough" to talk about or address. I think he also wants to avoid my big feelings and reactions. But over the years, I've worked on my reactions and addressing when it seems like he's "off”. I say things like, "I hear you say that nothing is wrong, but it really seems like you've shut down," or "What do you need?" because I know he's reluctant to say what he needs. I'm careful to say these things with a very neutral or caring tone.

IS IT MY JOB TO MAKE SURE MY HUSBAND LEARNS TO SAY WHAT HE NEEDS? NOPE. But it is my job to make sure my communication is reaching him in the way it’s intended, that he knows I WANT to know what he needs and that if I have big feelings, I don’t expect them to be his job.

Very, VERY good people participate in very bad behavior all the time. I often say to cheaters who are feeling immense amounts of guilt and shame, “Listen, if I were to lock my kids in a closet for 2 weeks and then take them to a buffet, I wouldn’t expect them to act appropriately around the Oreo pudding."

It’s just that with relationships, the pangs don’t clearly point to a specific need like hunger pangs; they’re often more difficult to figure out. And no one teaches us this stuff. This doesn’t make the behavior OK, but it does make it understandable.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO REBUILD TRUST? If both people are willing to work on their part? I don’t just think so; I know so. TRUST = CONSISTENCY + TIME and a couples therapist's job is to help you efficiently navigate the road to trust, to help you stay on the shortest path, course correct wrong turns quickly, and avoid common roadblocks.

Are there people out there who just want their cake and to eat it, too? Of course. And to that, I say RUN.

Because you deserve happy relationships,

P.S. - For a limited time, my How to Not Get Stuck communication training is FREE! Marriage is hard...for everyone. Watch this training to find out what divorcing couples say they wish they would have known 5-10 years ago. Thousands have watched. CLICK HERE TO JOIN.

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